A Call From Jail
May 20, 2009 Now That's Funny
One night a few years ago I got the most unusual phone call that I’ve ever received at about 10:30 PM. I was soaking in the tub when the phone rang. (Yes, I have a phone in the bathroom.) Upon answering the telephone I found that it was a collect call from the county jail. I accepted the charges because they didn’t specify who it was. God forbid, it could have been a relative or close friend. Certainly, that’s what one would expect at that hour: a family member or close friend. I mean, who else would call at such an ungodly hour? You’re right, a tenant. Worse yet, it was a tenant who I paid $50 to move the day before her eviction hearing just last week! She was one of those who insisted she would stay until the last minute. Consequently, I paid her to save the additional $40 set-out fee, my court appearance, and avoided the 5-days plus it takes after receiving the court judgment. Furthermore, I wanted to save the aggravation had she appeared with a free lawyer and/or a continuance. This was, indeed, the same tenant who left the unit with two broken windows and in a pig sty condition. I even paid her brother $40 to remove the unit from debris. Once the call was connected I could hear yelling and echoing in the background. It was indeed the county jail. She said, “This is ………., I know you’ve probably never did a favor for anyone or helped anyone out, but I thought that I’d give you a call. I have a check for $120 on me right now. My bail is $120. If you bail me out, then I will sign this check and give it to you right when I come out. (I found it uncanny that she was sitting on a government check for that exact amount!) First of all, everyone knows that when you ask for a favor, you want someone to do something for you that is inconvenient to them. That’s why they call it a favor. It’s a hassle. Furthermore, one does favors for those he loves or cares about their well being. Favors are a way of showing love, likeness, and compassion. Second of all, everyone knows that the absolutely last thing that you want to do when asking for a favor is to insult someone like remarking: “I know you’ve probably never done a favor for anyone or helped anyone out before….” I mean, everybody knows these two basic social skills. Right? Well, evidently not. Thirdly, when tenants are evicted, they hardly expect to have contact with that landlord again. Common sense tells them that the landlord wants totally rid of them and will ruin their credit for seven years. Although this tenant violated all three laws of common sense, apparently she saw something in me that only few can imagine. I’ve been known to even surprise myself sometimes. Just last month I wrote a tear-jerker article about how I helped a poor mother’s three little girls with bags of clothing and toys right before Christmas. Even I was teary-eyed while I wrote it. Maybe I’m not the landlord from hell after all. Maybe I’m just misunderstood. Maybe I am capable of showing love and compassion beyond the common man. Maybe I’ve changed after all these years of being robotic-like. I’ll bet now you think I’m a wonderful human being and you’re wondering what I said to that woman. I replied, “You’re right, I don’t do favors for anyone. Sorry. Good-bye.” I abruptly hung up. Now that’s funny!
Dark Brown Or Nicotine Color?
May 20, 2009 Now That's Funny
Preparing units can be disconcerting knowing that whoever moves in will do their share of damage. Repainting units every time tenants move, along with insuring that everything is code, is one of the repairs that I always make. In fact, even if a tenant has only been there two months I always repaint. My idea of painting and touching-up is most assuredly different than that of most landlords’ perspective. When I first purchase a unit and it becomes empty, (I never paint when an apartment is occupied) I will paint all walls and ceilings flat latex white. This not only serves as an easier way to paint, saving time from cutting in the color on the wall from the white on the ceiling. Owners must be aware that there are over 300 shades of white, so the key is to maintain a consistent paint brand and grade. This concept is paramount For example: After a tenant moves after only being there two or three months, there really isn’t much that needs to be painted. It’s almost borderline as if to paint, or not. Other times, the lower walls, handrail areas, and the strip above where the couch was make the unit look dingy and calls for some attention. Whenever you’ve had a tenant for many years, you must repaint the whole shot. When touch-up is called for, my magical touch-up is recommended. I can paint three bedrooms, one bathroom, living, dining, and kitchen in 35 minutes and with a half gallon of paint, and I won’t even use a brush! Consider that I am matching perfectly the color of paint. Further, the only dingy part is from baseboard to about three feet high. Imagine that I get a paint roller and pan and I race through the apartment. Six large rooms, bath, and hallway are done in no time flat. To further complicate matters there are mitigating circumstances. Those which are out of the ordinary do require drastic measures. I had this one efficiency that was always so dingy looking from tenant nicotine that made touching up impossible. The problem was that the paint color had actually changed due to the tenant smoke. My son informed me that he had experienced serious wall and ceiling stains due to waterbed damage. He stated that he took green porch and deck paint and it looked great. I visited the unit and it looked great, other than making the front room a bit dark. We agreed that since my problem was so severe, he would paint my efficiency a porch-and-deck brown. He called up laughing after the job was done. He proudly announced that he not only painted the walls brown, but the ceiling as well. I was concerned and couldn’t drive over there fast enough. As he unlocked the door and I looked in, I couldn’t believe it. We both laughed so hard I lost my breath. I envisioned never having to paint the unit again. He remarked that the dark color would even hide the roaches. In fact, I haven’t repainted the unit in over five years, and that includes many, many move-outs. Earlier this year I was giving a speech in a workshop where I told this tale. Someone in the audience announced that he had the exact same problem, only he took a different approach. He took a paint chip of the nicotine stained wall and matched the color perfectly at the paint store. He painted all the walls and ceiling that awful dingy-yellow color and it resolved his problem as well. Now that’s funny!
Rags To More Rags By Christmas
May 15, 2009 Now That's Funny
There are students, and then there are those close relatives who ask advice without the courtesy of buying a home study course. That’s fine, some relatives think you owe them a living and don’t want to spend the money, even for the sake of changing their lives. At real estate investment meetings, where I was president, at speaking engagements where I sell products, and over the phone where investors call, I give free advice even to those with no money or who are on the fence whether to take that next step or not. Most of my freebies only converse with me a time or two and then realize eventually there’s a price to be paid for information. There is one exception, though. I’ve been giving advice for two years to a relative who constantly asks for advice, but has not once taken it. At this moment, I don’t know why I even accepted her calls. It all began a little over two years ago when she got the urge to invest in real estate and to change her life. She hated her job and wanted to ultimately work for herself. Certainly, I could relate to that! After all, I’ve lived it. Early on she would tell me of a property that she was interested in and I would tell her not to buy it because the price was above retail, or because it needed too much work for her. She would buy it anyway. Problems would arise either through poor cash flow or repairs and, hopefully, my future advice would bail her out of her latest fiasco. She called about 6 months ago to explain that she had another situation. Her problem was that a tenant had moved, giving her the 30 day notice required, painted the apartment at his expense, steam cleaned the carpets, and left it spotless. How was this a problem? She wanted to know how she could beat him out of his $750 deposit! When I explained to her that she was wrong and needed to get out of the landlord business, she stated: “You never give your deposits back!” I explained that when I don’t return a deposit, it’s because back rent, or damages, were due. Once she called to tell me that she had a lawn that needed mowing and what she had done, seeking approval. She stated that while the husband was out of town, she confronted his wife on the front porch, demanding that the lawn be mowed immediately. When the wife argued that her husband did all the mowing, she offered to mow it herself for the tenant for a fee. When asked by the wife as to the amount, “Fifty dollars,” she replied. The tenant declined. Can you imagine the fury the husband felt when arriving home from out of town? His wife was picked on by a mean landlady. In the past, I’ve written tales about landlords being mean spirited. Not knowing who she was then, you now know. About 18 months ago she called me about a leaking roof at one of her newly acquired buildings, of which I advised her not to buy. (Her purchase price was $10,000 above wholesale.) I told her to repair the roof leak at once because when it last rained, it dripped on the tenant’s bed along with a handful of drywall. I informed her that at this early stage, perhaps a patch job could buy her some time. I gave her two names of roofers who both reported back to me that they both had, indeed, given her estimates. I simply assumed that the roof had been fixed. About a month later she telephoned again to discuss other scenarios. I asked about the roof leak because she hadn’t brought it up and I was curious as to what had happened. She yelled that I told her to ignore it and not worry about it. I told her that was ludicrous. I had even referred my two roofers! I again advised that she better fix it immediately to avoid a lawsuit. She said that the tenant was moving out anyway and it didn’t matter. A couple of months ago, she telephoned me at midnight, explaining that the entire ceiling had caved in and wanted to know what to do. I told her that she should have fixed the roof a year and a half ago and I didn’t want to discuss it any further, particularly at midnight. The conversation came to an abrupt halt. To make a two year history short, she bought everything that I advised her not to and major problems arose from every deal. Financial disarray, poor cash flow and needed repairs without the money to make them, were the cornerstones of her real estate investing. Nothing made money. Everything suffered losses. At the beginning, she had a nice home and retirement money set aside. Now she has no retirement established, nor does she live in that nice home anymore. She now owns all that mistake ridden rental property and resides in a trailer. She called two nights ago discussing landlord woes and then abruptly announced, “I’m writing a book!” Surprisingly I replied, “On what?” She bragged, “On real estate investing. There is so much that I know that isn’t anywhere in anyone else’s book. I’m already done with five chapters.” She then asked, “Can you help me find a publisher?” I was astounded. I’m sorry, but shouldn’t there be some element of success before advising others? Is the goal for novice investors to go from rags to more rags? I doubt it. I stated that the last time I was on the phone with my publisher she had joked about a writer who had called her because her publishing company had a book at the bookstore just like the one that he had written. The writer couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want another book on the same topic. I assured my writer/investor/relative that my publisher already had a landlord book. Further, I added that whomever she contacts would want her credentials/experience, which has made her an expert. She couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. I recalled how my publisher flew from Oregon to visit with me and confirm my background and expertise. I visualized someone from New York flying in to Columbus to sit in her doublewide to maul over all of the money she’d made! Don’t get me wrong. I’m not opposed to anyone writing a book, or living in a trailer. Further, I’m not trying to set limitations on her. What troubles me is that, if packaged appropriately, someone could take her advice seriously, and that would be quite a disservice to the reader. To that, I am opposed. I can’t help but wonder what she’ll entitle her landlording book. Here are a few titles she could use:
Learn How Not To Invest in Real Estate
From Rags to More Rags in 90 Days
Live in a Trailer by Christmas
Maybe there’s a place for her in infomercials. Certainly, she would epitomize what we typically imagine their knowledge base and experience to be. As I hung up the phone, I predicted that she probably would no longer call for advice. I also realized at that moment that was the end of my advising her if she called again. She was the expert. Why should she waste her breath on me? It’s amazing how she knew-it-all the whole time anyway. It just took me to bring it out in her. Now that’s funny!
Tags: Landlording, Rags, Repairs
The Missing Link
Apr 12, 2009 Now That's Funny
After undertaking 109 new units with a horrendous vacancy factor of 74% units with five evictions, (Who’s counting?) I needed to employ spot labor to clean out the units. When I say clean out, I’m not referring to running the sweeper and using SOS pads. I mean actually removing all carpeting, furniture, and almost all appliances. I didn’t use my technicians for that detail, I used spot labor. How do I find these guys? Well, they find me. I’m like a magnet. All I must do is start making a pile in the rear of any building and they are drawn to it requesting work. My favorite line is where they state, “I can do it all!” Nothing scares me more than that. I hired four of these guys for the clean-out, and one who could do it all was hired to hang replacement doors. I walked him to where an entry door had been removed and the new solid core 36″ X 80″ door rested. I said, “There it is. Start hanging.” Needless to say, he spent more time learning by watching others hang doors than he did actually hanging doors himself. The other four spot labor personnel were more appropriately assigned. They worked like horses day in and day out, rolling up the carpets and neatly stacking them in a very long dumpster to conserve space. (Each load was $275!) We joked around a lot in order to make the job go easier. We exchanged jokes all week and laughed about television talk shows. On one occasion when no one was kidding around, I stated that I was the unknown Beatle, the fifth Beatle. Not thinking that anyone would take me seriously, I continued with the fairy tale. I told of how if I had just blended in and wore my hair like the other Beatles, I wouldn’t be here with them. I went on to explain how my life would have been much different. I got up and walked away. Later, one of my real workers said that as I walked away one of the other guys remarked, “He’s the missing link!” Now that’s funny!
My Wife’s Repair Perspective
Mar 24, 2009 Now That's Funny
Although my wife doesn’t get involved in the real estate, except for taking my calls, she does have her own ideas and opinions. When she voices her opinion on real estate, sometimes it often makes sense when you think about it long enough. Last year I had a tenant break a toilet. I was remarking to my wife about how I could understand breaking a toilet seat, but not an actual toilet! (How do you break a toilet, anyway?) Nancy instructed, “When tenants damage property, they need to pay for it.” We both agree whole-heartedly on this point. She continued that I need to explain about tenant responsibilities to my tenants. She advised that I tell them, “Not only are there tenants rights, but there are landlord rights too.” I began to notice that she learned well and that we were finally on the same page, or so I thought. She informed me that the tenant should pay for two toilets, one that they broke and one that I must go out and buy. I asked for her to explain in detail her logic. She said, “The cost is double the cost of the toilet because you already paid for the one, and now you must go out and buy another toilet. You’ve bought two toilets, the tenants need to pay!” She further explained that this philosophy doesn’t stop with the toilet. I could integrate it into all repairs. “How about windows, thermostats, screens, and doors,” she argued. “Think of the profit margin!” Really, it almost makes sense, if you think about it hard enough. I mean, I really do have to buy two toilets, two windows, two thermostats, and on, and on, and on. It does sound like a great idea, for landlords. Certainly, circumstances have favored tenants for years. It sure is about time that we finally get something to go our way. I do confess that I haven’t tried it yet, so I don’t know what the tenants would say. It would be amusing to find out, though. One final thought from my wife, she says, “That’s what they mean when they say hidden costs.” Now that’s funny!
Geeking The Night Away
Mar 10, 2009 Now That's Funny
Awhile back I evicted a tenant who I’ve been trying to get rid of for 18 months! The problem was that she would pay one month, not pay the next month, and pay two month’s rent the following month. My problem was that I wanted my rent on time. Her problem was the same every month: I wanted my rent on time. I wrote about her last month in a STREETWISE LANDLORDING® article. She was the one who constantly gave evolving excuses, one leading into another, until she finally paid rent. As the story last month left off, I was going to call the bailiff to arrange a set-out time. After calling the bailiff I found that she had also called. She told him that she mailed me a check and wanted extra time to allow my receiving it. I told him that she had told me that she mailed $800 in cash to my post office box. I added that she didn’t even have a checking account and that I always collected rent in person and in cash. We had a good laugh and set the appointment. When I dropped by to inform her of her imminent demise and there wasn’t a box in the house! (Boxes are needed for moving.) She insisted that she mailed the cash and wasn’t moving. She asked, “What happens if you set me out and then receive the money?” I assured her that she had a legitimate concern: She would indeed be out of an apartment and also out $800. I insisted that she get some boxes before it was too late. I showed up with seven laborers and the bailiff, providing coffee and donuts for my comedic workers. (They always enjoy a good set-out.) Her grown son was asleep and sprawled out in the bedroom. She and her son gathered their wits, walked out the front door, and disappeared onto the boulevard. She had clearly moved most of her things, but many boxed items, console television, and furniture remained. In her absence, we quickly set everything out front and changed the locks. Other tenants complained about how she was heavy into drug abuse. “She’s geekin!” they would say. Geeking is a term used to describe someone using crack. She did give the appearance of a drug user; crumpled potato chip bags and empty 40 ounce beer bottles in the front yard were the tip-off. While standing out front, I explained to the bailiff that I filed an eviction on this tenant every two months for the last year and a half, sometimes even obtaining the judgment, only to have her pay before the set-out. We contemplated how her credit report must look about now: tens of evictions filed with some judgments as well, all from the same company, mine. I further realized that I should have brought my camera; it was truly a Kodak moment. Now that’s funny!
Good Times At The State Fair, Or Pay Rent?
Feb 24, 2009 Now That's Funny
Every August now I suffer the wrath from the State of Ohio. That wrath is unequivocally from The Ohio State Fair. Years ago it began around mid-month and only lasted 10 days. Riding rides and trying to win stuffed animals did not conflict with the first of the month, i.e., rent collection. At the years progressed, the fair got longer and longer. Now it lasts about three weeks and begins right before the first, in direct conflict with my rent collection. With all of my hard knocks education, military experience, and years on this earth, I cannot understand why anyone would jeopardize their housing for a $200 thrill at trying to win a thirty dollar stuffed dog. In fact, those dogs are so funky looking that I have never seen them for sale at any store. Furthermore, with all of the theme parks throughout my own city and state, why can’t they go on rides when they do have the money to spend, like after the rent has been paid? It’s ironic, though, don’t you think? It is the state who writes out the welfare checks. It is also the state who has finally figured out that they could get some of their money back if they only had timed the state fair more appropriately, like right before the checks come out. It’s brilliant! They give checks 12 times per year, and get back 1 of the 12 months, making the payout reduced to 11 checks! I just wish it wasn’t at my expense. Now that’s funny!
Spaghetti In The Bed
Jan 26, 2009 Now That's Funny
A repair call came in from one of my doubles. It had a leak in the bathroom. To get to the bathroom you must pass through one of the bedrooms. As I did so I noticed spaghetti on the bed. Not a plate of spaghetti, but actual cooked spaghetti with sauce just splattered on the sheets. To this day, I still wonder how it got there and why the tenants didn’t clean it up. I didn’t ask, I’m not one to pry. Now that’s funny!
